So I finally had a breakdown...

So... as you can tell from my next to last post, we are fighting the infertility battle. I do have to comment on myself and say that I have taken all of this pretty well so far. I mean the dr appointments, the lab work, the counting the days, the medicine, the "scheduling", the finding out about my PCOS and not to mention surgery.


But tonight every thing came to a head when that stupid little pink and white stick only had one line. Have you ever lost it?? Because I LOST IT!! Breakdown mode in full force, the whole snotty, squawling, ugly red and puffy face breakdown. Have you ever felt like you were banging your head against a brick wall while running in circles and going nowhere while spinning your wheels and falling without a net. Well that about sums it up. OF COURSE, I know that it is hormones and that it is that time of the month (my sweet husband's explanation as well) but Lord help me I felt so frustrated and hopeless and that everything was just going to pieces and Motherhood was never gonna happen for me. So it was time for a breakdown.

I mean working as a L&D nurse, you see ALL KINDS that are able to have babies, but why not you is the question that you begin to ask yourself. The job becomes tougher and sometimes harder to deal with but, I LOVE my job and what I am able to do and try not to lose focus of that.

I know that all will happen when it is meant to be and it is "God's plan" but you don't know how sick I have gotten of hearing about that. I believe it and all but really you don't have to continually remind me of that when I feel the way I do thank you very much!! I am very much a Christian and fully believe that my Lord has a plan and it is all according to Him, but at that moment I was in complete self mode and didn't want to be consoled with that. I have left it up to Him but it is hard to remember that when in self mode, I assure you.
So in the end , the breakdown helped, a little talk with Him helped, my wonderful co-workers (that are really some of the best friends I have and have been right beside me this whole time) helped and lastly my sweet hubby, who in his own way says the right thing at the right time in these situations helped. So a big thank you to all of them, and sometimes, you just need a breakdown.