"Vent Box" for the day

So I am a little disheartened this morning after my shift at work. And that is also mixed with a little anger and jealousy, which we all know is not a good combination. When I created this blog, I honestly had no idea what i would write, nor did I know that it would be somewhat therapuetic for me as sounding board for my thoughts or problems that I needed to just bounce around to noone in general. Well today it is my vent box!! Let me start at the begining and in doing so vent a little.
As you all know, I work as an RN in Labor and Delivery. I see miricales and magic happen right before my eyes and that is one of the reasons that I love my job. I really do. Not many people can say that. I enjoy my work and being involved in the births of babies and being there for their families and witnessing joy is awesome. This I have not made a secret and I hope that my patients and co-workers can attest to that fact.

However, something that I have kept somewhat of a discloseure is the fact that I envy every woman that I take care of. Simply they are mommies, and I am not.  I KNOW that my time will eventually come when Someone other than me decides that it is time for that to happen. I know that it is in God's control. I understand that with my mind, it is just very difficult to tell my heart that. Kevin and I want a child very much at this time and have been attempting to create our own magical miricale for a little over a year now. I know that time frame is very minimal to what some couples go through to acheive that special goal, and I admire their determination and courage and belief that someday they will be parents. I also know that many are never able to attain what they desire. I know this, and have had personal experience with some of these wonderful people. That is one of my biggest fears : not getting to be a mommy to my own child. So at times, yes, I do feel selfish in wanting what I want and wanting it now. I also know that things will happen the way they are meant to when they are supposed to But....My logical mind says that 1. ) I am married and have been so going on 4 years, 2.)  My husband and I have good jobs that are stable and to top that, they pay well. (Thank you very much, college education.) They also provide good benefits and insurance 3.) We own our home, it is not much but it is ours. 4.) We have decided that it is time to have a baby, because that is the next step for our family. PRESTO.....we should have a baby right?? Wrong!! We go to the doctor and take medicine and mark calendars and wait and ......repeat again next month, and the next, and the next. This, I think leads to my frustration and jealousy.

So this morning around 3am, I have a labor come in and eventually end up delivering her around 6 am. I like these kind of fast-paced deliveries. I liked my patient and her family. My discontent comes from the fact that she is 19 and this is her 3rd child. Yes, her 3rd. She is unmarried, no job, has a 10th grade education, no insurance, is on WIC, doesn't have an infant carseat, and she lives with her boyfriend/baby's daddy's family. This is not an uncommon senario that I see on a regular basis.

IT IS JUST NOT FAIR!!!

Now, I am not saying that she isn't entitled to having children, but what about me? That is the question that I end up asking myself and feeling like why does she get to have 3 babies by the time she is 19 and I can't even have 1 at 25 with all my logical statistics on my side?? This is again my mind knowing what is going on but I usually lead with my heart instead of my mind. And I seem to be more emotion led than logic led. I know this sounds like my own little pitty party, but this is how I feel. I also know that I am exposed to it at a completely overloaded scale because of my profession. But as the old saying goes, we always want what we don't have, and I want a baby. Boy or girl, little or big. I want a baby!!

Now that the little green envy door opened and let some out, I do feel better. I also know that I should TRUST that when the time does come for my magical miricale that it will special and wonderful and all this will just seem like a small mountain that I had to scale. I need to use a mixture of logic and emotion to deal with this in our lives for the time being. I also know that I need to have faith and patience and understanding that God will do what is best for me and Kevin and our family.

Things happen for a reason and I trust that reason!! (or at least I am doing my best to.)  Kevin and I can just need to learn to relax in the passenger seat and allow someone else to drive.